God leads with the obvious: that He is the one who led the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt, and because of that he should receive a World's Greatest Diety mug for His birthday. And again God admits in the First Commandment that there are other gods lying around: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Not that there are no other gods but god, but that there are no other gods that are better than God. Big difference.
Next, God admits his fatal flaw, namely that he's a wee bit jealous. "Tell me something I don't know," Moses says, rolling his eyes.
"Ok, smartass," God says. "You're not getting into the promised land!"
Because God has the hormones of a spiteful tween, He doesn't want the Israelites to bow down to or worship any graven image, which Webster's defines as an object of worship carved usually from wood or stone. God has a pretty inclusive list of what constitutes a graven image: "[A]ny likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." That basically covers it all. I wonder, then, what God thinks of all those people who every Sunday kneel before statues of his dead Son or of Mary? Or before all the saints? Or before Big Mouth Billy Bass? He must hate that.
Commandment three is simple: Don't say "God" in vain, which is in an irreverent or blasphemous manner. So no saying "goddammit" or "God, I love those shoes" or "Oh my God, a little to the left, yeah right there, right there, oh fuck oh God oh God I;m coming!"
Four is simple, too: don't work on the Sabbath, because God created everything in six days and took a breather on the seventh. So depending if you think God clocked in on Sunday or Monday, your Sabbath is either Saturday or Sunday. And no one can perform any work, not even animals, and certainly not strangers that happen to be around you. Which means I'm going to hell for flicking those light switches for my Jewish neighbors for all those years.
And now that I'm a parent I firmly believe that the Fifth Commandment--honor thy mother and father--is due for a comeback, especially when it's time for the kids to clean their rooms. Enough with the sassmouth! God demands that you put your books away, and now, or you won't get any desert!
The final five commandments are relatively straightforward pleas for decency, basically covering social interactions and community harmony, which explains why they're never followed:
- Thou shalt not kill--unless another country really has it coming, or someone breaks into your house, or you're defending yourself or another person, or the guy has it coming because he killed someone already
- Thou shalt not commit adultery--unless you're not really getting along with your spouse and she doesn't love you anymore anyway and you're basically separated already
- Thou shalt not steal--unless you're drunk, and then it's cool to take those underpants and that roll of Wintergreen Lifesavers, the kind that sparks when you bite 'em
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour--unless it gets you out of trouble or saves you from being embarrassed or is just really more convenient than telling the truth, especially if a friend asks you to read his first novel
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's--unless he just bought something cool like the new Xbox or his ass is spectacular
Funny thing is that none of the Israelites seem to have actually heard any of this, mainly because the mountain was smoking, there was thunder and lightning, and someone was blowing a trumpet, and it scared the shit out of them. "Speak thou with us," they say to Moses, "and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die."
"But God already said everything," Moses says. "Didn't you just hear that? Am I the only one who heard all that?"
The crowd backs away even father.
Moses begs for them to come back to the mountain but they refuse, so God says fuck it and instructs Moses to have His people build an altar--but not one made of stone and not one with steps because someone might get a clear view of your bullocks when you're up there worshiping.
Which gives me an idea for an Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt wear clean underwear.
No comments:
Post a Comment