Leviticus 1, 2, 3

If there's one thing we've learned from our close and accurate reading of the Bible it's this: God really, really wants you to love Him. And not just say you love, but demonstrate that love in everything you do. Like the worst girlfriend you've ever had, God wants to know that he is the only one for you, that he is always on your mind, and that you would die without him—specifically because He would kill you if you ever tried to leave Him.

Leviticus keeps that ball rolling. It begins with proper way to kill, butcher, and burn animals in God's honor. In keeping with God's OCD nature, the directions are highly specific and not at all tedious to read or write about. To keep things breezy, let's use bullet points. Feel free to print out this list and keep it handy for the next time you barbecue and you want to offer the extras to the Lord. One note: all sacrifices must be done voluntarily. But if you don't do them you will probably die a horrible death. But it's totally up to you.

• If you want to sacrifice cattle: Make sure it's a male without blemish. (This is a very important point for all sacrifices: any animal you kill must look good. No fatties for the Lord!) Grab the bull by the head and kill it by the door of the tabernacle. Aaron's sons will gather the blood and sprinkle it around the altar. Flay the carcass, chop it into pieces, and lay the parts in this order on the fire: first the meat, then the head, and then the fat. The legs and organs should be washed before they are burned

• If you want to sacrifice a goat: Choose a male without blemish but kill it by the north side of the altar. Follow the steps for dismembering and burning the bull

• If you want to sacrifice a bird: Turtledoves and pigeons only! Twist its head off and burn it on the altar. Spill the blood from the body at the side of the altar. Tear out the crop—the organ in the throat where food is stored before heading to the digestive tract—and pluck the feathers, and throw them on the east side of the altar. Grab the wings and tear the bird, but don't tear it completely in half. Burn

If you're a vegetarian, or some other liberal communist bent on destroying America, you'll want to mix the most expensive semolina you can find at Whole Foods with organic sunflower oil and frankincense and burn that as an offering. It's not a cool and draining the blood from a bull and burning its intestines, but it will have to do. You can also bake a nice bread in the oven or in a pan, or even fry it up, but make sure it's unleavened. Remember: God hates yeast. And don't forget the salt. God wants the bread seasoned perfectly before you toast it for him.

If you're on Atkins, feel free to burn some green ears of corn.

The protocol for a peace offering is slightly different, for no discernible reason. Start out with a blemish-free animal. Kill it by the door of the tabernacle, sprinkle its blood by the altar,* and burn the fat. Throw away the kidneys and the caul that's above the liver.†

One important point: when it comes to dinner, don't eat fat or blood. Which explains why I’ve never seen a Jewish vampire.

*Rule of thumb: if you find yourself with some extra blood, sprinkle it everywhere, just to be on the safe side.

†I have no idea what that is, either.