Exodus 33, 34

As Mo and Co. commence their search for the land of milk of honey and a solid Wi-Fi hotspot, God promises to get rid of all the clans that currently occupy the land ahead of the Israelites' arrival. From the looks of current events, He's not having much success on that front.

The merry band stops for a while and Moses pitches the tabernacle tent, which must take him all afternoon. Inside the tabernacle, Moses gets a visit from the smoky pillar and he begs the Lord to let him see His face. God defers, saying that like Medusa, anyone who looks directly upon His face would surely die. Moses insists; God says nope. They argue back and forth until God comes up with a brilliant compromise: If Moses crams himself in a rock cleft, then God will walk by, cover the cleft with His hand, and then remove His hand once he passes, giving Moses a clear view of His backside.

"How is that a compromise, exactly?" Moses asks.

“The compromise is that I don’t smite you for wanting to look upon me, Moses,” God says.

But before Moses can check out God's booty, the Big Man wants Moses to make a couple of stone tablets to replace the ones he threw at the golden calf and meet Him on Mount Sinai in the morning. That's where God decides to deliver to Moses a slightly different version of the Ten Commandments. These aren't the kind of commandment that trip easily off the tongue and look great illegally chiseled on a courthouse wall. They are, considering the wackiness that has occurred since the previous commandments were destroyed, concerned less about the social contract and more about jealousy, food, and oxen. Again with the oxen! I tell you, oxen must have some great agents to get such plum placements in the Bible.

So here's the lesser-known 10 Commandments Redux:

1. God is jealous, so don't worship any other god.

2. Don't make any molten gods. (I wonder what inspired that?)

3. Eat unleavened bread for six days.

4. Something to do with sacrificing the first born male ox and sheep, but when it comes to sacrificing the first-born ass just skip it and kill a lamb instead.

5. Don't work on the Sabbath.

6. Everyone should appear before the Lord three times a year.

7. Don't mix leaven with blood.

8. Don't leave the Passover sacrifice until the next day.

9. Offer to God the first fruits of the season.

10. Don't cook a kid--that's a baby lamb--in his mother's milk.

It took Moses 40 days and nights to scribble down these words, and you just know that when he was heading down the mountain he was thinking, "Those fuckers better have behaved themselves. I don't want to smash another perfectly fine if slightly less impressive Ten Commandments."

To his delight, Moses finds that the Israelites were able to hold it all together for a little over a month. But there is one problem. (It's the Bible folks, there's always gonna be a problem.) Seems that Moses' T zone is totally oily and his face is shining like greased up bodybuilder. You'd think that after traveling in the desert for years with each other--with no running water or toilets or deodorants or food that doesn't fall from the sky--oily skin would be the least of your worries. But Moses is so embarrassed that he wears a veil to cover the shine, which he only removes when communing with the lord. The Israelites huddle outside the closed-door meeting, and the only sound they can make out is God sniggering and snorting at Moses' slippery skin. "I can see my face in your skin," God taunts. "Too bad you're not allowed to see mine!"

Moses then tells his people all the wonderful things God has commanded them to do. The Israelites try to pay attention, they really do, but they are distracted by the sun reflecting off the oily sheen on Moses' face. Embarrassed, Moses immediately pulls down the veil. I know that his stuttering issue has made him overly sensitive, but really Moses, the veil is just drawing more attention to the skin thing, don't you think? Now everyone's imagination is going wild wondering what's wrong with Moses. Is he an Elephant Man? Does he have gin blossoms? An eyebrow ring? A face tattoo? Could be anything. They’re so busy talking they completely miss the recitation of the New Ten Commandments, which explains why no one was ever heard of them until now.