Exodus 22, 23

What kind of restitution should a thief make for his acts of thievery? I'm glad you asked. It's an important question. And again, the answer has a lot to do with oxen. Here's the short version: “For any kind of trespass, whether it concerns an ox, a donkey, a sheep, or clothing, or for any kind of lost thing which another claims to be his, the cause of both parties shall come before the judges; and whomever the judges condemn shall pay double to his neighbor." Boom! I just saved you the mindspace needed to remember how much anyone owes you for taking your stuff. Someone steal your iPad? Then you get two iPads! Someone steal your dignity? Then you get two dignities, minus court fees!

From there, things take a left turn, as we cover seemingly random acts of mischief.

Any man who gets the milk for free has to buy the cow, if you catch my drift. And her father has to pay the dowry as if she were a virgin! Win-win for the dude!

You should kill all witches. That's obvious.

The following is a short list of things for which you will be put to death:

• Fucking an animal

• Sacrificing to a god other than God 

• Troubling or oppressing a stranger, a widow, or an orphan

And don't even think of asking for repayment of a loan to the poor. Which means it's not really a loan, now is it? More like a gift.

Also: "Thou shalt not revile the gods, no curse the ruler of thy people." Again with gods--lowercase, plural. And now we can't curse out the president? How will Fox News ever survive?

Don't lie.  

If you see your enemy's ox--seriously, what's with the preoccupation with oxen?--going astray you should bring it back to him. 

Don't take gifts, "for the gift blindeth the wise, and perverteth the words of the righteous." It's the ultimate war on Christmas before there was even a Christmas.

If you're a farmer, every seventh year you should let your field lie fallow. 

Three times a year you should hold a feast for God. Bring your appetite, because there can't be any leftovers. And whatever you do, don't cook a goat in its mother's milk. It's just insulting to the goat.

Because these are big feasts, God will provide a bouncer: a pissed-off angel who absolutely will not take your complaints about the service. At some point in the festivities, the angel--let's call him Dale--will lead the partygoers on a raid of neighboring cities to destroy all of their gods and overthrow their governments. Which proves that whoever wrote this thing didn't bother to read the previous pages where the Israelites were forbidden to oppress people.

And then God promises to make all of Israel's enemies run in fear. I wonder how well that's worked out?