Exodus 21

After God ensures that upskirt shots of Moses will never make their way onto Reddit, He clarifies what He meant by the Ten Commandments. Consider the next few chapters God's Federalist Papers. First up: when to free slaves, how to deal with violence, and more than I think is necessary on the proper punishment of aggressive oxen.

Slaves
If one buys a Hebrew, the Hebrew can serve for only six years; on the seventh he must go free. If he was single when he was bought, he leaves a bachelor; if he was married when he was bought, the ball and chain leaves with him. But if is master married him off while he was enslaved and he had children, the wife and kids belong to the master and the guy has to leave alone, presumably without having to pay alimony or child support. If, for some crazy reason, the slave decides not to leave because he loves his wife and children, then his master gets to poke a hole in his ear with an awl. And he has to serve the master for the rest of his life. At least he won't have to hear his wife complain about being a slave anymore.

If man sells his daughter to be maidservant, and her new master decides to marry her, she can be redeemed. How is not mentioned. But I'm sure it has nothing to do with porn. But if her master instead resells her to a foreign nation, he has no say in what happens to her. Which I'm sure has a lot to do with porn.

If the lucky girl is married off to her master's son then she is dealt with like any of his daughters, which, as we have seen, is not that great of deal. If her master has done none of these things and maybe just treated her like any old slave then she gets to go free. Without any money, which, of course, is basically the definition of slavery.

Violence
If you kill someone--which, as you know from the previous chapter, you should totally never do, but sometimes shit happens--then you shall be put to death. Unless God delivered the victim to you, in which case the Big G will set you up with fake papers and a place to crash. But if you kill your parents Menendez brothers–style then you'll be put to death. No word on what happens to you if God delivers your parents to you.

If you get into a fight and hit the other guy on the head with a stone and he survives you need to pay his hospital bills and workman's comp.

If you kill your servant then you will be punished, most probably lightly, unless the servant lingers for a day or two, in which case you get off scot free.

If you harm a pregnant woman and she loses the baby the woman's husband gets to decide your punishment, which is obviously completely fair.

And here is where one of the Bible's most famous passages appears: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. If any "mischief" occurs after the woman has already lost her baby and the abuser has been punished for the crime according to the husband's will, only then should the punishment fit the crime: "you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe." Unless you take out a servant's eye or tooth, in which case you get to keep your body parts but the servant goes free. No word on what would happen if you poke out a pregnant woman's eye.

Oxen
The rest of the chapter busies itself with mean oxen. In a nutshell: if you own an ox with a predilection for goring people, then that ox will definitely be stoned to death. So if I were you I'd sell all of my oxen right now, just to be on the safe side.