Exodus 24, 25

Moses, it turns out, was alone when God dictated the laws in he previous three chapters. No surprise there. When your having hallucinations, it's best to be by yourself. And Moses forgot to bring a pen, so he has to re-make everything up when he gets back to the Israelites.

After climbing down the mountain and quickly jotting down some notes, Moses tells everyone what God "said" on the mountain. The Israelites agree to abide by God's laws and then build an altar, make a burnt offering, sprinkle blood on the altar, and then head off to make some mischief against a widow.

Moses, Aaron, and a bunch of extras head back to the mountain, where God tells Moses he's going to give him a stone tablets with all the rules written on them. Not just the Ten Commandments but everything that He said. "You could've just given me those a couple of days ago, you know," Moses says.

Moses climbs the mountain--alone, again--and is stranded in fog for six days. On the seventh day, God calls to him. 

"Marco!" says God.

"Who?" says Moses.

"Just come over here, will you? Jesus."

Moses follows the sound of God's voice and stays on the mountain for forty days and nights--more than enough time to chisel all that crap onto those tablets himself.

But before God gives Moses the tablets He once again demands an offering from the people of Israel, one so detailed and anal it makes Martha Stewart look like Gary Busey. Here's the shopping list: gold, silver, and brass; something described only as "blue, and purple, and scarlet;" fine linen, goats' hair dyed red, badgers' skin, shittim wood, oil, spices for the oil, incense, and onyx stones. Sounds like someone's looking to give Ru Paul a run for his money.

But first, Moses needs to make a sanctuary, which includes creating an ark almost four feet long, a little over two feet wide, and about two feet tall that is dripping with gold. The ark absolutely needs a gold crown. And four gold rings. In the corners. Right there. A little to the left. Now to the right. Now to the left again. Perfect. And stick some wooden poles in the rings, so it's, you know, easy to carry. But cover the sticks with gold first. God wants it lookin' classy. And whatever you do, don't take those sticks out of the rings. Then, again out of gold, make a mercy seat--which is not only just a fancy term for a lid but the greatest band name ever. 

And facing each other on the opposite ends of the lid should be two cherubims--which are absolutely totally no way in hell graven images, no siree Bob! Their wings should be long enough to stretch out and cover the lid. Then into the ark goes the stone tablets, so one day they be stored in a large government warehouse after being rescued from the Nazis.

Moses gets ready to go to Home Depot when God drops more on his plate: how about making a table, overlaid with gold? And another gold crown, this one as the centerpiece? And four more gold rings and wooden poles--covered in gold, of course--to cart the table around. 

Oh, how about dishes and spoons and bowls and a candlestick, all made of pure gold? But wait, there's more. The candlestick is ridiculous: in addition to the main shaft there should six branches, with little bowls at the top that look like almonds--almonds! But it's even more complicated than that. See if you can figure out what the hell this candlestick is supposed to look like:

"And six branches shall come out of the sides of it; three branches of the candlestick out of the one side, and three branches of the candlestick out of the other side: Three bowls made like unto almonds, with a knop and a flower in one branch; and three bowls made like almonds in the other branch, with a knop and a flower: so in the six branches that come out of the candlestick. And in the candlesticks shall be four bowls made like unto almonds, with their knops and their flowers. And there shall be a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, according to the six branches that proceed out of the candlestick. Their knops and their branches shall be of the same: all it shall be one beaten work of pure gold."

Moses shakes his head and asks God, "Can't I just pick one up at Pottery Barn?"