Exodus 18, 19

Jethro, Moses' toothless father-in-law, hears tale of all the cool shit that God has done for the Israelites and wants in on the awesome adventure of following pillars of smoke through the desert and eating sandy bread disks and conjured-up birds. He drags with him Moses' wife and two sons, and they meet Moses at his swank desert tent.

Moses is able to sum up the Israelites plight in a single paragraph--note to Bible publishers: follow Moses' lead in following editions--and Jethro, astounded by the retelling says something interesting: "Now I know that the LORD is greater than all gods."

I've talked of this before, but this quote admits the existence of many different gods, a plurality of deities of whom the big G is just the best. Kind of like Zeus. Or Jupiter. Or L. Ron Hubbard. But back to the story.

Moses, Jethro, and some of the other top Israelites make a sacrifice to God and enjoy some manna. The following day, Moses gathers everyone before him and spends the entire day arbitrating his people's disputes and lecturing them on the finer points and proper application of God's law, whatever that may be because the commandments don't make an appearance until the next chapter. Jethro, watching Moses from the sidelines as Moses dispenses justice, thinks Moses is working too hard and tries to convince him to create an enormous bureaucracy to hear complaints.

"[T]hou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do. Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens: And let them judge the people at all seasons: and it shall be, that every great matter they shall bring unto thee, but every small matter they shall judge: so shall it be easier for thyself, and they shall bear the burden with thee. That way you can take up a hobby or something, or focus on getting the hell out of the desert."

Moses thinks this is a great idea and ropes his followers into doing his work for him. Now with lots of time to spend with his family, Moses promptly sends his father-in-law away. That guy is such a drag!

After three months in the desert, the Israelites arrive at Sinai and make camp at the base of a mountain. God calls to Moses from the mountain to remind him of all the awesome stuff He's done for the Israelites, like delivering them from bondage into a terrible desert wasteland and...well, I guess that just about sums it up. God says that if the Israelites heed His words they will be to Him a wonderful treasure that He will protect for all time and never let anything bad happen to ever again. Then God giggles into his hand. "I'm totally not bullshitting you," God snorts.

The people think heeding the word of God without knowing the specifics of what they are promising to do is a great idea. Remember, lawyers had yet to be invented, so no one knew what a terrible deal this was.

God is pleased with His people's response and tells Moses that He will appear to the Israelites as a thick cloud and speak loud enough for all the people to hear Him so as to allay any doubts about His existence. Not that anyone doubts, mind you. Everyone is completely on board with the whole God thing.

"Oh, a few more items," God says. "Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, and be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. And tell them not to touch the mountain. Very important. Don't touch the mountain. Got that? Touch the mountain and you'll be stoned to death. Animals too. Don't let any animals touch the mountian either. Got it? And one more thing: tell the Israelites not to touch their wives either. You know, you might as well tell them to keep their hands in the their pockets for a few days. Well, considering the no-sex thing, it would be better if they kept their hands at their sides."

Three days later the Lord descends upon the mount in a massive pillar of smoke and flame. The mountain looks like it's on fire, and all the crackling flames make it difficult for anyone to make out any real words, but somehow Moses has no trouble hearing an invite from God to come up the mountain for a little chitchat. When Moses gets to the top of the mountain, God tells him to go back down and bring all the Israelites up the mountain to see Him.

"The people cannot come up to mount Sinai," Moses says. "Thou chargedst us, saying, 'Set bounds about the mount, and sanctify it.'"

"I don't remember that," God says.

"You don't remember the part about stoning whomever touches the mountain?"

"Tell you what. Just bring up Aaron, OK?"

Instead Moses heads back down the mountain and and God delivers--spoiler alert--the Ten Commandments.

Next up: The Ten Commandments! And a whole boat load of laws that conservative Christians never ever follow!