Genesis 32, 33, 34

Run for Your Life! My Brother's in Town!

Jacob fears that the time he impersonated his brother, Esau, to steal their father's blessing has irreparably damaged their relationship. That and when he poked a hole in Esau's Stretch Armstrong just to see what was inside.

To make things right, Jacob sends messengers to feel out Esau. The message: I have scores of cattle, dozens of servants, four women I'm sleeping with, and 11 kids, all thanks to the blessing meant for you. How's it going for you and your Canaanite wife dad didn't want you to marry?

The messengers return with the news that Esau is on his way with 400 men in tow.

Jacob wets his pants. He then divides his caravan in 2 so that if Esau slaughters one group the other will survive. His only problem now is how to make sure the group he doesn't go with is the one that will be destroyed.

The wet-pantsed Jacob prays to God. "Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau," he says. "For I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children. But especially me. I'm really most concerned about me."

He decides to blunt Esau's anger by sending the hairy orangutan a present of 200 she goats and 20 he goats, 200 ewes and 20 rams, 30 camels and their colts, 40 cows and 10 bulls, 20 she asses, and 10 foals. Not a bright move, an ostentatious display of wealth to a man bent on killing you because you got rich off his stolen blessing.

As a few nervous servants herd all those animals to Esau, Jacob sends his wives and concubines and their 11 children away as decoys, hoping his brother's blood lust will be slaked if he kills them first. Jacob is left alone and inexplicably wrestles a man from nightfall to daybreak. The man touches the hollow of Jacob's thigh, causing it to go out of joint. Jacob wrestles on through the pain thanks to the timely application of Icy Hot.

With no clear winner is sight, Jacob demands his opponent bless him. The man does, renaming Jacob Israel in the process.

Draw your own conclusions about what happened, but the sodomy and Jacob's subsequent drag queen name form the basis for a key U2 lyric, so who am I to judge. To this day, Jews will not eat the sinew which is in the hollow of the thigh. Just as well, considering no one knows what the hell it is anyway.

Exhausted from his all-night oil wrestling, Jacob sees Esau coming across the land. Too tired to stand, Jacob pees himself lying down. Then he throws up and shits himself.

But Esau and his 400 men aren't there to kill Jacob. In fact, Esau runs up to Jacob and, ignoring the pee and shit smell, embraces him and weeps on his neck. Rachel, Leah, the handmaidens, and all the children appear and awkward introductions are made.

No doubt feeling guilty about the Stretch Armstrong thing, Israel presses Esau to keep the flocks he sent ahead; he even builds Esau a house and stables. This unlikely display of brotherly love and forgiveness shows what people can accomplish as long as God stays out of the way.

Off With Your Foreskin!

Leah's daughter Dinah is spotted by Prince Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite. As princes are wont to do, he takes Dinah and defiles her. Oh, Bible! What a hopeless romantic you are.

Prince Shechem falls in love with Dinah, and he asks his dad to ensure that she becomes his wife. Hamor approaches Israel with an offer: "Marry your daughters off to us and we'll let you live here. Where you're currently living. If you catch our drift." No word about how Dinah feels about matters. Not that anyone would really care.

But Dinah cannot marry the prince because he is not circumcised. So Israel tells Hamor that if every male in the king's kingdom has a piece of his penis lopped off...well, maybe then something can be arranged.

Hamor meets with all the men and tells them that Israel and his people are nice and friendly, and would love to trade their daughters for the right to live on the land they're already living on, and that the deal is basically done except for one little mine detail you all have to lop off the tips of your penises but other than that it's all totally cool."

"What was that last part?" the men ask.

"Oh, it's all totally cool," Hamor says.

"No, the part before the totally cool part."

"Oh, we'll let them live on their land."

"After that."

"You all have to lop off the tips of your penises?"

"Yeah, that's what we thought you said."

Unbelievably, the men agree. But three days later, as the men lie around nursing their bloody penises, Israel's sons Simeon and Levi sneak into the city, kill all the men, take all the animals, and kidnap the women and children.

Israel is not pleased with this, as he knows someone will hear tale of this totally outrageous behavior and come looking for him.

His sons respond, "Should he [Shechem] deal with our sister as with a harlot?"

"Good point," Israel says. "Did you kick them in their sore crotches before you killed them?"