Genesis 4, 5

Adam Raised a Cain

Only 4 chapters in and we have our first homicide! Something tells me there's lots more to come.

Chapter 4 begins with the most sterile description of sex ever written: Adam knew Eve (wink wink) and Cain was born. An indeterminate time later, Adam knows Eve again and Abel follows. That Adam is a sure shot. Only two knowings and he has two kids.

Abel grows up to tend sheep; Cain becomes a farmer. The brothers make an offering of their livelihood to God, but God rejects Cain's lame salad, citing the lack of ranch dressing, and fawns over Abel's sheep. To make matters worse, God chastises Cain for the sad look on his salad-making face:

"And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door."

Why is Cain's countenance fallen? Jeez, maybe because he spent all morning making you a salad and you turn your nose--or similar ethereal body part--up at it? What did God expect Cain to make him? The dude's a farmer. What an ingrate.

Upset over the rejection, Cain does what anyone would do: he kills his brother because God hated his salad. This ticks off God, who curses the ground so Cain is unable to grow any food--a definite negative for a farmer--and makes him a fugitive from his homeland, condemning Cain to chase a one-armed man for 4 seasons.

Cain complains to God that if people find out he has been cursed they will kill him. God does the only reasonable thing and puts a huge mark on Cain that warns others that they will die if they kill him. That will certainly endear Cain to his new neighbors.

Cain moves to the land of Nod where he shoots heroin and marries a woman he met--wait a minute! Cain marries someone? Where the hell did she come from? Did I miss a creation somewhere? Maybe not.

Remember how God re-created all the animals and man and woman after his initial 7-day creationpalooza? What if God didn't wipe away his first experiment in populating the earth and the man and woman had kids? Let's just say that it did happen to neatly tie up that plot hole and get back to this stirring story of brotherly love.

Oh, wait. That's the end of the story.

Family Sequoia
The rest of chapter 4 lists all of Cain descendants. They include Jabal, the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle, which I'm guessing was pretty much everyone back then; Jubal, the father of all who play the harp and organ, which I'm sure were the favored instruments among the nomadic peoples; and Tubalcain, the man who taught everyone how to make things out of brass and iron, and the guy to blame for those annoying craftspeople hawking their wares at Renaissance Fairs.

Chapter 5 consists of the genealogy of Noah. It seems that Adam and Eve, at the feisty age of 130, have another son named Seth, who lives to be 912. His descendants are similarly long lived--Enos dies at 905, Methuselah 969--and millennia later Noah is born.

The prophecy is that Noah will be the one to finally lift the curse of the sterile ground caused by Cain's fratricide. They're right, but not in the way they think. Unfortunately, the prophecy does not include a gentle reminder to buy flood insurance.

Up next: the invention of the raincoat.