Genesis 21, 22, 23

What Not to Wear

Sarah gives birth to a son she names Isaac, and when Isaac is a 8 days old, Abraham cuts off a piece of the little guy's dick. Without anesthesia. With an unsterilized knife. Now that's the way to begin a chapter.

When Isaac weans from his centenarian mother's flap-jack breast, Abraham throws a party. Hagar--you remember her right? Sarah's handmaiden given to Abraham as his wife for the purpose of conceiving a child?--mocks the party because Sarah is wearing white shoes and it's after Labor Day. Sarah: fashion disaster.

Annoyed, Sarah browbeats Abraham into kicking Hagar to the curb. Abraham is torn: should he obey the woman who he married off to 2 different men and who forced Hagar to sleep with him or show mercy on the woman who he and his wife have repeatedly taken advantage of? He leaves it up to God, who doesn't tell Abraham what to do exactly, but says that baby will one day make a great nation. Abraham interprets this as a green light and sends Hagar and his kid packing. But first he gives them a loaf of bread and a bottle of Dasani, just in case being homeless sucks as much as he heard it does.

After finishing all the water, Hagar throws the baby into a Dumpster. What else can she do? She only has one loaf of bread. Weeping, Hagar hears the voice of God. "Arise, lift up the lad," God says, "and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. Just as soon as you brush the coffee grinds off him." The boy grows up to be an archer, a detail that comes out of nowhere and is never referred to again. The mother and son move to Egypt. End of story.

Meanwhile, these two guys, Abimelech and Phichol, ask Abraham to swear to God that he will deal fairly with them. "Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned." When Abraham stops laughing he says, "Oh, sure, Abimelech. You've got my--snort! chortle!--word on that one. Care to meet my sister? Snort!"

Then someone digs a well and some sheep exchange hands and--shit, I don't know what the hell is going on here. Let's skip to chapter 22.

My Dad Tried to Sacrifice Me to the Lord and All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt

Deciding that all the altars, slaughtered animals, and circumcisions weren't enough evidence of Abraham's devotion, God asks Abraham a teensy weensy favor: sacrifice his son Isaac.

"Sure," Abraham says. "No problem. But first let me return this World's Greatest Dad mug the kid got me for my birthday before the irony kills me."

Abraham takes an ass, two manservants, and Isaac and hikes 3 days to Jeffery Dahmer's house. Abraham and Isaac trudge alone to a distant outcropping, gather wood, and make a fire. Isaac innocently asks, "Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?"

Abraham says, "Oh look, your sandals are untied," and when Isaac bends down, Abraham knocks him out cold with a blackjack, binds him, and places him on the wood pile. As Abraham readies the knife, Alan Funt appears, screaming, "You're on Candid Camera!"

Flattered that Abraham would actually go through with the cockamamie plan that he totally came up with on a lark, God blesses all of Abraham's descendants, saying they will be as multiple as the stars, and promises him all the land as far as he can see.

"You've already promised me all that, like a dozen times already," Abraham says.

"Oh," God says. "Well, how do you like that? Hey, Abraham, have you seen my car keys anywhere?"

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Sarah dies at the age of 127. In the Bible, 127 is the new 935.

Abraham begins shopping around for a nice little plot. Someplace with a view of the pyramids would be nice. Sarah loved the pyramids when she was married to the pharaoh. You remember that, right? When her husband Abraham told everyone she was his sister, and when the deception was discovered Abraham somehow walked away with a small fortune? And remember when Abraham hoodwinked someone else the same way? Good times, good times.

After the funeral, Abraham approaches the sons of Heth (yes, the Heth!) and asks them for a plot in their land so that he has an excuse for not visiting her grave all the time. The sons of Heth agree to give Abraham one of their sepulchres. A sepulchre, by the way, is a cave. Just thought you'd like to know that the sons of Heth own caves.

Abraham is suddenly concerned that Sarah will be buried out of his sight, just in case the opportunity to marry off his "sister's" rotting corpse presents itself. Wouldn't want to miss out on any new she-goats just because she's dead, now would he? He offers to pay for the land around the sepulchre, four hundred shekels of silver. "Shekels" sounds like something I would make up, but it's not.

The sons of Heth accept the offer and Sarah is laid to rest. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "laid." God hates it when people try to do that to Sarah. Plus, now that she's dead, she's even drier than before.