Genesis 15, 16, 17

Take My Wife's Handmaiden, Please!

God comes to Abram in a vision with this declaration: "I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward." Abram says sure, but what have you done for me lately? "What wilt thou give me," Abram asks God, "seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus? I mean he had great references and all, but the guy can't make a decent hospital corner for shit."

Abram's big problem is that he'll be heirsless because Sarai is barren. "Who will converse with my all-knowing and mean-sprited imaginary friend after I'm gone?" Abram asks a dancing broom. God assures Abram that he'll have tons of descendants, as many as there are stars in the sky, which, per Genesis 1, may or may not be a lot. To seal the pact, Abram slaughters a 3-year-old heifer, a 3-year-old she-goat, a 3-year-old ram, a turtledove, a young pigeon, four calling birds, three French hens, and a partridge in a pear tree, and stacks them up for God's midnight snack. He then falls asleep and has that same dream where he's hosting a dinner party for the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Rephaims, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites, and he answers the door naked. He wakes up screaming.

But Sarai isn't waiting for God to solve the apparent heir problem. She has whipped up an innovative plan: she will give her handmaiden, Hagar, to Abram as his wife. Abram reluctantly agrees, then turns around, pumps his fist, and mouths "Yeeessss!" For those of you keeping count, Abram has pimped out his wife to the pharaoh, started a war, and tricked Lot into buying lake front property in Sodom, and now he's a bigamist. Is there any wonder why this guy is the patriarch of 3 great religions?

Once pregnant, Hagar can't stand the sight of Sarai, because Sarai is hot and Hargar's ankles are swollen. Sarai thinks Hagar should be more grateful to her. After all, how many handmaidens get the opportunity to be forced into marriage with an already married 86 year old just so he can have kids that he'll probably take from her and raise with his first wife? Why it's a dream come true! For some reason Hagar disagrees, and flees the swinging couple. A bit too late, in my opinion.

The angel of the Lord, who has taken quite the backseat over the last few months, finds Hagar by a fountain in the woods and sends her right back to Saria with the promise that if she obeys Sarai's commands she may one day get to have sex with Abram again. Hell, she may even get a to blow him!

The angel also uses God's omnipotent ultrasound and tells Hagar that she's having a boy, and that his name will be Ishmael. "And he will be a wild man," the angel says. "His hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. If you catch my drift. Wink wink. Know what I meaneth? Dost I have to spell it out for thee? He'll be gay! And you knoweth how much God hateth that."

And guess what? Hagar has a boy and names him Ishmael. Wow! The angel of the Lord nails a fifty-fifty guess! What are the odds of that?

About fifty-fifty.

Just Take a Little Off the Top

The Lord changes Abram's name to Abraham and Sarai's name to Sarah. Now they have to order new checks and stand in line at the DMV again. Thanks, Lord.

But the name change is a minor annoyance compared to what God has planned for Abraham. Get this: in exchange for all the land that God has already promised him and for which Abraham has built many an altar and slaughtered many an animal, Abraham must now cut off a piece of his dick for the Lord. A piece of his dick! A. Piece. Of. His. Dick. Let's let that sink in.

All right. My testicles have descended. Let's pick up the story where we left off:

But God's not done. Not only does Abraham have to go under the dick knife, so does every newborn male when he's 8 days old, every male born of his house regardless of age, and any male bought with money. Bought with money? Now there are slaves involved? What the hell is going on here?

Turns out that a mutilated dick is the only way of knowing who in the community has agreed to God's covenant. Abraham instantly regrets founding his nation in a nudist colony. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, what with all the boobies around.

So Abraham circumcises himself--yes, he circumcises himself--his 13-year-old son Ishmael, all the males in his family, and all his slaves. It was a busy, painful day.

But God's still not done. Despite all the drama with Hagar bearing Abraham a son, God decides that now would be a good time for Sarah to conceive.

"But I just cut off a piece of my dick," Abraham complains to God, "and now you want me to have sex?"