Genesis 12, 13, 14

Take My Wife, Please

Abram, Saria, and Lot are in Haran when God springs a blessing on Abram.

"I will bless them that bless thee," God says to Abram, "and curse he that curseth thee. Except for the Germans. They can pretty much doeth what they wanteeth to thee."

The group moves to Canaan, and no sooner have the delivery camels left than God drops by unannounced with a tent-warming gift to end all tent-warming gifts: the deed to all of Canaan, which is strange considering that other people already live there. History tells us though that it isn't worth the imaginary paper it's not written on. "Unto they seed will I give this land," God says. "Me or the United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181. Same thing, really." As thanks, Abram builds an altar to the Lord.

Suffering from wanderlust, Abram and Sarai travel to Egypt. Sarai, though, is evidently quite hot, and Abram fears that the Egyptian men will kill him just to have a shot at her. So Abram comes up with a foolproof plan: he tells the Egyptians that Sarai is his sister and singlehandedly creates the stereotype of the Jew as scheming businessman. The Egyptian pharaoh falls for it and pays Abram a dowry of sheep, oxen, asses, manservants, maidservants, she-asses, and camels. Abram tells Sarai to have fun as the pharaoh's concubine and pages through his address book for the names of other female relatives he can whore out.

God, ever the chivalrous deity, visits great plagues upon the pharaoh for actually believing Abram. The pharaoh, understandably pissed at being punished because he was lied to, gives Saria back to Abram and sends them on their way. From then on he makes sure that he asks for at least two forms of identification before trading animals for concubines.

Go East, Young Man

Now Abram is rich for his trickery; Lot is too. Abram suspects that Lot made his fortune from infomericials telling people how they too can make a money from their one-bedroom tents by placing small ads in newspapers, but he can't prove it. Because they're both rich, well-fed, and contented, and because this is the Bible, they begin to squabble over cattle. Abram and Lot split the land up by playing one-potato-two. Abram gets Canaan and Lot strikes out to the east for Sodom, which turns out not to be such a good deal. Maybe Lot should have talked to the pharaoh before agreeing to anything with Abram.

God reaffirms his promise to Abram that this land will forever be in the family. Unless, you know, an act of God takes it all away or something. Abram builds another altar to the Lord. Seems like the word is out that the Lord likes altars and that's all anyone ever gives him, kind of like your grandmother and cat-themed gifts.

War! What's it Good For? Advancing the Plot!

Chapter 14 is a complete mess and impossible to follow. But it involves a war, so you know it'll end in bloodshed. And God loves bloodshed.

Here's how the chapter starts:

"And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations; That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar."

Got that? Good. Because now it gets tricky.

"All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled. And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim, And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.

"And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar. And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim; With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.

"And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain. And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed."

All right, then. Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to the story.

Lot is captured in one of those battles. Abram--who for some reason is described as Lot's brother, even though he's Lot's uncle--is mighty upset over Lot's imprisonment and trains his servants to be killing machines. Abram is, of course, victorious and the king of Sodom returns from his mountainous exile and lavishes riches on him. Abram declines the offer because he doesn't want the king to have bragging rights to his fortune.

"Unless you want my wife," Abram says. "I mean, my sister. Yeah, she's totally my sister. Got any she-oxen?"