I was raised Catholic.
I attended 13 years of Catholic school.
I was an altar boy.
I went to mass every Sunday and every Friday in Lent and on major holidays until I was old enough to drive and skip it altogether.
I listened to hundreds of hours of sermons and classroom lectures about the importance of my relationship to God and Jesus.
And in all those years no one ever once told to read the Bible.
As I approach 40, having long since abandoned a faith that was always someone else's, I wonder why no priest or nun or lay teacher ever had me go to the source for insight on Catholicism. I can't be the only one who finds this strange.
But ask any Christian you know if he or she has ever read the Bible. Hell, if you're Christian, ask yourself. Except for a few well-known passages--a couple of Psalms, the Sermon on the Mount, excerpts from Genesis about fruitfulness and multiplication--no Christian I have ever met has read the Bible.
If Christians can get by without reading the Bible, then what is the Bible for? It's there so people can hold it up and say, "I believe in this." Except for super-crazy fundamentalists, religious people don't care what religion you believe in as long as you believe in one. Professing belief confers legitimacy and entry into the Club of Belief.
I don't belong to the Club. I don't belong in the Club. I don't believe. I'm an Unbeliever.
God. Jesus. Ghosts. Palmistry. Astrology. Luck. I just don't believe.
So why is this Unbeliever reading the Bible?
Maybe reading the Bible will help me find out.
Until then I'm going to point out all the weird, insane, and kooky things I discover in the most influential book ever written.
The one no one has read.
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2 comments:
Hey there...
Some very, very funny lines in this... the lines about the spoiler, sleeping with the first man she saw, the oatmeal cookie recipie... etc. All those lines (and several others) made me laugh!
But a couple of questions.
First of all, while I realize the Bible is most likely loaded with inconsistencies, (I too have not read the whole thing) the use of "our" doesn't seem to be one of them. I think that is the "royal" use of the word, in the same way a king or queen would say "we" when referring to just themselves.
You may have been aware of this, and were just going for a joke here. But I'm not sure which statements are the jokes, and which are an actual "criticism" of the bible. That's probably my fault more than yours.
Likewise, I have to ask, (I'm an agnostic) don't you think this might be missing the forest for the trees? Sure, that sounds like a lame cop out, but isn't this sort of like trying to understand why water feels wet by studying a periodic chart? (That's only an analogy, obviously, and not a perfect one. But I'm sure you catch my drift.)
While I don't think all the raging mistakes in the Bible should be excused by "faith" or get a "free pass," and I do think it is a worthy goal for you (or anyone) to document the weird stuff in the Bible... I have to wonder if a straight reading of the Bible without looking at the historical contexts in which it was written, as well as an acknowledgment of its place in tradition and ritual, will really yield anything than some good laughs?
It reminds me of the bit where Steve Lawrence used to read rock song lyrics straight faced without the musical accompinment and turned into a hilarious routine.
I also believe that no amount of lampooning the bible will get people to abandon their faith totally. In fact, science is finding new evidence that the brain is hard-wired for faith, to an extent. (I can't remember the study I read on this, but I have seen it mentioned a couple of times.)
So, while one could argue that is only a evolutionary advantage, (having faith in something bigger than us) it doesn't mean that something bigger than us doesn't exist, either. (Yes, invisible pink frogs could exist too, but that wouldn't be very comforting to contemplate.)
I think some people need that comfort in their lives, and I don't think, like I used to, that there is so much shame in that. Yes, religion has caused some horrible, horrible things through history. But I think there have also been millions and millions and millions of people who we never heard about who have used religion in a positive way... as inspiration, for art, to find meaning and comfort in a hard world, to be closer to others, to go on when there seemed no reason to.
I'm not convinced, on a cost/sum basis, that religion is QUITE as destructive as people paint it to be. In other words, I'm not sure people would be any LESS destructive if religion were eliminated.
This is a very long discussion, and I have alot more clarifying of my thoughts I need to do, but in the meantime... FUNNY STUFF!!!!
cuzzino,
Thanks for the all your comments, especially the positive ones. Good points, all.
The royal we thing doesn't solve the problem for me, because the queen is technically talking about more than one person. When she says we she means the whole royal family--the royal in royal we. I probably wrong.
Of course the Bible is loaded with inconsistencies. It's a huge book written by many people over a long time. You could drive a Koran through some of the holes.
As for my criticism, I'm just trying to poke fun at a sacred cow. Most people view the Bible as accumulated wisdom in the form of fables and parables that more easily and poetically make the point than just saying, "Hey dumbass, don't kill people." Then the Bible would be one page of copy in 40 point type.
Having said that, I find it strange that Christians half believe the Bible. What I mean is that most Christians treat the Old Testament that way but not the Gospels. But then they switch back to story time for chapters like Revelation. If I can poke enough fun at the Old Testament perhaps I can create doubt about the New. A lofty goal, but I'm going to try.
I'd classify myself as an agnostic, too, but An Agnostic Reads the Bible doesn't have the same ring to it.
And by agnostic, I mean that I don't believe there's a God but would be convinced if, say, God showed up and told me to get my shit together.
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